Today I went to the therapist again, I think I was sad because I'm crying on more than one occasion. He insists that I have to take the here and now and only the things he calls "my business." I have not even clear what is my business, I'm always thinking about the future or the past and I find it hard to focus on the here and now.
I do not know what is sad or worried. The university, yes, my advisor does not like my proposal and I can say every time my English is terrible, obviously does not say it that way, but that's what it means and I do not know what else to do, I try to do the best I can and not enough, it seems that nothing is ever enough.
When I receive such emails, I want to say bye and send me to switch to Chile and give up and leave everything thrown Ph.D., return to work as a psychologist and nobody asks me anything, just breathe, but I know I made a commitment to end this thing, I said yes to the scholarship and if I regret going to pay dearly, from any point of view, symbolically and literally.
The therapist told me to write, in that I am, trying to write the thoughts that I strung unpleasant feelings and self-destructive as I just wrote, maybe it is true that my idea of \u200b\u200bexorcising demons through the written word. My throat hurts and I know that are pure tears crossed, do not ask me what, because I have no idea, just stand there waiting to escape at the slightest stimulus.
These days have not been bad, maybe just the opposite. I'm anxious to go to Chile and then go to the gym, but I have no silver, then like I'm at the mercy of things I can not control. Traveling to Chile depends on having the money from the scholarship that allows me to buy a ticket, but said it could take up to two months if it takes 2 months, I can not travel at the beginning of the month as I would have to wait until late June and that makes me wrong, I want to go soon, I'm tired here. I want to finish all my academic obligations to procastinar without much guilt. Every time I feel you should be doing something else (reading the book that I have to comment before 29 or working on my Research Proposal that was shattered by my teacher) and I can not, I want to be on Twitter, I want to comment on the situation in Chile, I Julian take arms. Today
thought that what I want is for someone containing as when I try to hold off Julian to sleep, I take it and cradled it carefully, I try to stay as a ball and I rock and sing any lullabies I remember, at least you humming the melody, sometimes I think that I want, someone hold me tight and do not let me overflow, I press against his chest and tell me everything will be fine, I can stop thinking because you're all fixed.
do not even know what needs to be fixed in my, well, I think I know some things, but I feel that there are others which I have no idea. That haunts me January. I think if others will know what it is and not tell me out of pity or if it's just that I'm too pursued. And again I catch wandering in pure feelings and unrealistic images.
My brother sent me a book which he said was going to grab me and not going to be released before finishing and incidentally, I said that I would feel identified with the protagonist. Today I read until page 40 and I quit because I was distressed, the story is horrible and I wonder if my story and I was confused again and within a sort of Truman Show and Memento, this film, especially Memento, chases me , all I need tattoo ideas in the body, well, somehow this blog is that, as phrases that I'm leaving myself to have the illusion that I did not lose again, but I feel lost again.
The picture is from yesterday, took my sister in a park near where I live. I am and they're all so used to the photos I take that to have a photo I always ask me a favor, I want somebody to take a picture without your asking him. Too much to ask that?
I also want that when we meet again you hold me and tell me anything before long to kiss me, nothing more, then sure we will talk for hours, as always, but that's my fantasy for today, maybe it's just a hallucinosis, as many others. I would not have even liked to write, but I am aware that the transmission of thought does not exist, at least not as I would like to me. Sigrid
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