Today I came thinking while walking in the rain, came to therapy, had assumed it was a stubborn and I never take things seriously when they are for me. I recommend re good to others, but those same recommendations do not apply to me.
I thought about why I always look I looked or absent men, those that are difficult and long time make me sad and happy when they are with me. I came to my mind an image of my dad walking in the rain, I think with the mud boots and in between, I watched from the window inside my house, do not really remember his face, just remember that I was so happy to see that coming. Do not think I have many memories of my dad, then I think I understood or understood, in part, why I sought or are seeking those men, I think I repeat that pattern of father absence, but with the fantasy of breaking the scheme and make they become established, protect me, I care, and assume the role expected from my dad, but finally the absence and loneliness is repeated, because they never cease to be absent and distant, though they say they love me.
The difference is that now I see clearly and do not blame my dad for that, he did as best he could from where he lived, worried and concerned about us. When I was sick and we first spoke on the phone, he was the first she cried and could not continue speaking, my dad has always been sensitive and crying, I'm sick of whining and ultra-sensitive, especially in recent times, my mom Instead, it is also sensitive, but is stronger, try not to show their grief for us not to crumble and I have some of that, but the extreme sensitivity of inherited from my father, I think.
What I felt today and I thought rather that I missed the father to protect, which gives the feeling that anyone can be against you, but he will not leave your embrace anything happen to you, I would have liked to have a dad stronger, more authoritative, defend me in school, but do not remember that, my dad was probably the role he was destined to men until recently, supplier, and made the best he could. It's good to have parents who now move to the children that walk, you make them sleep, but also care for the mother and child. I always felt my mother was strong, did not see it contained by my dad and I think that's what I want, I want to contain, I will not be continent, I want to be contained.
Yep, that's true, after living a while I realized that I want to contain, I want to hear, that I seek, I require presence, want to be there and are there for me, not only in a metaphorical sense, I present, real and concrete. Such as a liquid that needs to be put into a pot, I do, I want to embrace, to be cared for and protected me.
is a good discovery for a rainy day. Sigrid